Curse

EternalTempest · Sep 24, 2005, 05:47 AM // 05:47

Here's a short story...
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Mareal decided to go to the market to pick up some fresh fruits and vegetables for tonight's lunch and dinner. As she was walking by, she could not help notice the large mansion where Cynn lived. So many times she has walked by Cynn and asked her over for lunch or dinner. Each time was meet with being ignored or a psudo no thank you. Mareal herself was wondering why she kept asking.

This time she almost bumped in to Cynn. "Hello, I'm Mareal would you like to come over for lunch or dinner." Mareal blurted out before Cynn could react.

Cynn appeared to have a shock look on her face, "You keep asking that off and on don't you, who are you again?". Cynn appeared to actually look at here and notice, something that has not happened before. Mareal explained where she lived and how often she seen her walk or leave her mansion.

Mareal was very surprised to see Cynn actually consider the request, "hmm today I have this thing I have to attend to that's I can't get out of... but" (with a slight smirk) "I think I can change that and lunch does sound good in a few hours".

"See you in a few hours, you can count on it" Cynn replied and walked off.

Mareal was still in mild shock at Cynn when one of the merchants who sold jewelry of various types.

She was walking by one of the merchants still lost in thought. "Hey Mareal", Larel yelled who was a bit of shaddy trader waved her over. "Did you hear about the Prince is going to take a group to get rid of dangerous charr ranger that's over the wall" today.

"Not at all, but it would not surprise me". "There have been a lot of rumor, espically with the villages outside of town and the Kings request to find more people to recruits". was her reply.

She hurried home and started making one of the most lavish lunch pulling out a few old family recipes too boot. It took about two hours to get everything ready.

After a few hours and it realizing it will become dark soon and realized that Cynn was going to blow her off. Feeling rather pissed off at Cynn and herself, she went headed towards the door and noticed an eerie red light coming from the windows. She heard a large noise behind her and then everything went pitch black.

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What do you think, I'm a bit rusty with this.

Jakerius · Sep 24, 2005, 12:03 PM // 12:03

I dunno...
Are you foreign, because I hate critizing people of bad grammar and spelling/punctuation etc and then find out they've only spoken English for a few months.
Also, based on what I've seen through first-hand game experience, Charr usually stay in packs. It is unlikely there would be a lone Charr Ranger wandering around.
Even if his warband had been killed and he was a sole-survivor, it wouldn't be long before he met up with another group.

The following is an attempt at cleaning up your story:

Quote:

Mareal decided to go to the market to pick up some fresh fruits and vegetables for tonight's lunch and dinner.

Lunch doesn't happen "tonight". If there is a reason your character is having a late lunch, you would want to state that so as to not be ambiguous.

Quote:

As she was walking by, she could not help notice the large mansion where Cynn lived. So many times she has walked by Cynn and asked her over for lunch or dinner. Each time was meet with being ignored or a psudo no thank you. Mareal herself was wondering why she kept asking.

Meet = Met
Psudo = Pseudo
no thank you = "No Thankyou" (Including the quotation marks)
Your paragraph should end up like so:
As she was walking by, she could not help notice the large mansion where Cynn lived. So many times she had walked by Cynn and asked her over for lunch or dinner. Each time was met with being ignored or a pseudo "No Thankyou". Mareal herself was wondering why she kept asking.

Quote:

Cynn appeared to have a shock look on her face, "You keep asking that off and on don't you, who are you again?". Cynn appeared to actually look at here and notice, something that has not happened before. Mareal explained where she lived and how often she seen her walk or leave her mansion.

She didn't appear to have a shock [sic] look on her face, she did have a shocked look on her face.
After "don't you" should be a question mark instead of a comma. Then start the next sentence Who are you again?

Here = Her

Quote:

something that has not happened before.

This should be something that had not happened before

Quote:

how often she seen her

Should be how often she had seen her. And after "seen her walk" should be a comma.

Quote:

Mareal was very surprised to see Cynn actually consider the request, "hmm today I have this thing I have to attend to that's I can't get out of... but" (with a slight smirk) "I think I can change that and lunch does sound good in a few hours".

"See you in a few hours, you can count on it" Cynn replied and walked off.

I actually have no idea who is saying what in this paragraph. You may want to clean this up a bit. Take longer than 30 seconds to write this paragraph.
Remember: You have time

Quote:

Mareal was still in mild shock at Cynn when one of the merchants who sold jewelry of various types.

She was walking by one of the merchants still lost in thought. "Hey Mareal", Larel yelled who was a bit of shaddy trader waved her over. "Did you hear about the Prince is going to take a group to get rid of dangerous charr ranger that's over the wall" today.

This: Mareal was still in mild shock at Cynn when one of the merchants who sold jewelry of various types. could be taken out altogether. Not only does it ruin the continuity of your story, and not make sense, but it is completely redundant.

Quote:

"Not at all, but it would not surprise me". "There have been a lot of rumor, espically with the villages outside of town and the Kings request to find more people to recruits". was her reply.

Should be
Not at all, but it would not surprise me," she replied. "There have been a lot of rumours, especially with the villages outside of town and the King's request to find more people to recruit
Note the subtle changes, like apostrophes and spelling corrections.

Quote:

She hurried home and started making one of the most lavish lunch pulling out a few old family recipes too boot. It took about two hours to get everything ready.

lunch = lunch's (and put a comma after it)

Quote:

pulling out a few old family recipes too boot.

[b]pulling out a few old family recipes to boot.[b] Not sure why you added "to boot", but whatever floats your boat I guess.

Quote:

It took about two hours to get everything ready.

No need to mention time here, could instead be
It took only a short time to ready the meal

Quote:

After a few hours and it realizing it will become dark soon and realized that Cynn was going to blow her off. Feeling rather pissed off at Cynn and herself, she went headed towards the door and noticed an eerie red light coming from the windows. She heard a large noise behind her and then everything went pitch black.

First sentence doesn't quite make sense, please clean that up a bit.

Yep, you had to ruin it with a cuss word. Nice job.

Noise cannot be measured like a thing. You can't have a "large noise". It would be a great noise, or a loud noise.

The paragraph should end up looking like this:
Mareal knew it would be dark soon. Realising Cynn was going to blow her off, she made to go inside. All of a sudden, she noticed an eerie, red light emanating from the windows. She heard a loud noise behind her, then everything went black

If you managed to read through all that, you're a better person, and you have my respect for taking the time to get better at writing.

EternalTempest · Sep 25, 2005, 05:36 AM // 05:36

Thank you for objectively looking at my story. I do appreciate it and the fact and that you read it completely despite the road blocks.

critizing people of bad grammar and spelling/punctuation - it's extremely justified, not foreign

Lunch / Dinner slip - I had it set for dinner and then changed it to lunch and overlooked it, I remembered searing happened before night fall missed that change.

The remark about the charr was about go with the prince to hunt the elite ranger right at the searing trigger. You are right and it should of been a group of charr with a ranger leader...

I actually have no idea who is saying what in this paragraph. You may want to clean this up a bit. Take longer than 30 seconds to write this paragraph.

Cynn has the personalty from the fiction in the manual of being a spoiled brat from a rich family who also happens to be a bit of gifted mage (which helps her ego...). I set it as a family function she had to attend and was going to use this as an excuse to not go to it. More of this did need to be communicated.

Language = very correct ticked off would of been far more suitable

Remember: You have time - your dead on

My biggest mistake was writing this in only 30 minutes (with horrible checking). I should of typed this up in word. Let it sit till the next day and go through it a 2nd time with a fresh set of eyes before posting. I do have issues with grammar and spelling partially (not using this as an excuse) from a learning disability.

Thank You again for providing good feedback. Most people would of blasted this and not gone as far as you did.